Sometimes situations have a way of draining you of...you
I had recently quit my job of three years, for the first time…(yes, I quit that job more than once). I had just come back from a few months of working on a horse ranch (which didn't end up going anywhere). The horse ranch was my last stab at direction and all it did was help me realize that, that was not my direction.
I found myself without a career let alone a job and not much prospect for anything long term where I was living. What bothered me the most though, was I had lost my dreams.
Sometimes situations have a way of draining you of...you (if that makes sense?) I had worked at a place for the last three years of my life where I was asked to be a fake while being worshiped for it. It's like everything inside me was screaming, "You are not happy!" “You are not being treated well” “This environment is so unhealthy” meanwhile everyone on the outside was saying, "Gosh you are so lucky" "You have a dream job!" "I wish I was you!" You start to question your sanity. In all honesty the hardest part of leaving that company was letting go of my ego and the way people looked at me.
I usually know where I am going, but then I didn't have a clue! I found myself with a lot of free time and not a lot of money (being cool does not pay well). I decided I needed some me time, as cliche as that sounds.
I am a very driven person so sitting around not accomplishing anything was hard for me. I remember feeling guilty most of the time, I should be doing something! I had to remind myself that I had made the choice to take about 3 weeks off from work/worrying about what I was going to do. Time to let myself decompress and that is when I wrote the following.
I was struck today by a song that I have heard a million times, “Breakdown” by Jack Johnson. The song goes, “I hope this old train breaks down so I can take a walk around, and see what there is to see." I like the sentiment of hoping for a breakdown, knowing that it will be the only way you will slow down, I have found myself there more than once.
Although, maybe a lot of people see the breakdown as a scary horrible place to be (and that is a valid feeling), I think it should be something that we embrace. I’m not saying be lazy and “broke down” until someone comes and fixes you or that it will wholly be a good experience; but sometimes I think we need to be reminded that we are not in control of what happens to our lives, there is a reason we are where we are.
So instead of viewing your “breakdown”, whatever that may be, as punishment or failure view it as a gift. The time to read the book you’ve been wanting to, or to simply sit in the sun and relax (and not feel guilty), the time to thoroughly think, the necessity to be in the moment, to perhaps even start over, to live the life you wish you could “You can’t stop wishing if you don’t let go.” The biggest changes are the hardest and in my opinion the most rewarding. It’s okay to breakdown you might even begin to wish for a breakdown.
I made it!
I can say I look back on that "break down" as a very good thing. I was able to become a sane person again, put life back in perspective, decide what things were a priority to me, and most importantly remember who I was and wanted to be. All of that led to an adventure better than any I have had before. It led to a real great life not faking a great life. I have always thought actions speak louder than words and this time in my life really drove that home. I was able to go from a life of words (LOTS OF WORDS) to a life of actions. I am happy (and less cool but that's OK).